That’s right, two-year-olds suck. I know this isn’t news to many of you, but it needs to be said. It needs to be shouted from the roof-tops. There is a very good reason they are called the terrible twos and my daughter might be trying to kill me. Okay, maybe not kill me but certainly trying break my heart and crush my spirit.
First of all, let me be clear. I love her desperately. She is quite possibly the most adorable creature to walk the earth. blah blah blah. Back to her being the worst.
Do you know what 2 year-olds do when they don’t get their way? Scream. And not just scream, like lucky-my-windows-didn’t-shatter scream. By the way, do you know what they do when they DO get their way? Scream. Yep.
Do you know what 2 year-olds like to eat? Nothing. You know how when they are babies and learning how to eat new foods and you can pretty much give them anything? That stops at exactly 2. I miss the baby who would dunk her broccoli in her blueberry yogurt. Last night she told me “I don’t like chicken, I don’t like cheese, I don’t like an-thing!” Oh, and she followed that up with screaming.
Do you know what they do when they drop something in the back of the car when you are driving and can’t reach it? Scream. And if they are not screaming they are doing that weird hybrid between whining and crying that is worse than screaming.
Do you know who has zero regard for their own safety? You guessed it- 2 year-olds. My daughter is reckless! She might be pretty now, but if she keeps falling on her face I’m going to have to buy her a hockey mask. By the way, whoever invented coffee tables- Fuck you!
Do you know what my 2 year-old monster did to me yesterday? She was throwing a fit (shocker) and I was croutched (crowched?) down next to her trying to calmly reason with her. She put her hand up to my face and pushed me away with her palm. She is lucky I have been practicing my conscious breathing (and drinking a lot of wine) lately.
Did you know that 2 year-olds can do everything and nothing by themselves? They insist on ‘me do it!’ but are completely incapable of actually doing it. I know, parenting experts will tell you that this is an important part of their development and this is how they learn. Well that’s great but I actually am expected to be on-time occasionally. My daughter has landed on her face twice getting down from the car because ‘no no no mommy, me do it’. By the way, if you don’t let them do it themselves, they scream.
Do you know who can’t control where they vomit? 2 year-olds. Do you know where they like to vomit? Not in the toilet or the bucket you scoured (scowered? Why is spelling so hard?) the garage for. They like to puke on the carpet, the couch, or mommy/daddy. My daughter also likes to pee on the carpet. The other day she sat on the potty for 15 minutes and then peed on the walk from the bathroom to her room to get the diaper. F’ing 2 year-olds.
And lastly, do you know who is a waste of cuteness? 2 year-olds. Why a waste you ask? Because they will not let you take their picture! They either make the ridiculous cheese face, look away, or frown. I took like 746 pictures last weekend and I think I got two that she is looking at the camera and smiling in a non-psycho-baby way.