If you open any magazine, turn on any sitcom, or talk to any group of men, you will hear the same complaint- their wives/girlfriends never want to have sex. It’s always ‘something wrong with the women’ too. It’s never the men trying to figure out what he needs to do differently to engage her. But, that’s what happens in long-term relationships, right?! That is part of getting older, right?! But, I wonder: Does it have to?
Unlike most of the posts that I write, this one is for the men. So, women, share this with your men. And, men, read up! I’m going to try and get you laid.
First we need to look at the reasons your girl is giving you when she is saying no:
1. She is too tired
2. She is too busy (which makes her too tired)
3. She is not in the mood
4. She has a head ache
5. She’s lying!
Now, I am not saying these are all lies. There is a lot of validity in these reasons. We (females) just don’t want “it” as much as you men. And, we ARE tired! But if your relationship is lacking, there may be something you can do about it.
This list is probably a little more accurate than what she is telling you and here’s what you can do about it.
1. She is too tired or too busy: Like I said, some of these are legit excuses. You want to have more sex with your wife? Make her less tired and busy! Help her with the cleaning, laundry, errands, etc. You can stop on your way home and get diapers! Don’t wait for her to ask either. Volunteer! Offer to cook or get dinner 1x per week so she doesn’t have to cook. Take over one of her ‘jobs’ (i.e. the bills, dog walking, bath time, etc.). There has to be something she is willing to unload. Take the kids out of the house on Saturday morning or tell her to leave! The less tired/busy/stressed, the more nookie.
2. She doesn’t feel sexy or desirable: Men CLEARLY don’t need to feel sexy to want to have sex. Women are different. If we feel fat or bloated or think are boobs are saggy or we haven’t showered or ______________(insert any of the 1,000 insecurities your lady is currently living with), we are not in ‘the mood’. Make sure your wife knows how good you think she looks- don’t assume- make sure she knows. Lay it on thick! Give her compliments, smack her ass while she is cooking, NOTICE when she loses 5 pounds, or send a flirty text (“I can’t stop thinking about how you looked in the shower this morning!”). Just make sure you do it in a loving way. You don’t want to be the equivalent of a guy whistling from construction site. And- warning- balance this with #3.
3. She doesn’t feel loved or cared for: I know, it’s not easy keeping a woman happy! This one is important though. Watching ESPN all night while monitoring your brackets on the lap top (Brent is currently saying, “you don’t know me!), and then at 9:30 looking at your lady and saying, “Wanna go upstairs?” winky face, is not going to cut it. Ignoring your wife all night will not lead to sex! Ask her about her day and actually LISTEN to her answer, cuddle on the couch without grabbing her boobs, give her a compliment when it can’t possibly lead to sex (i.e. Tell her how sexy she looks while she is on her way out the door in the morning), spend quality time with her, send her a text telling her that you are thinking about her- we love that shit! Show her some affection you jerk!
4. She only feels like a mom: “Moms” don’t like having sex. “Women” love having sex! Women need time away from her kids; women need ‘brain space’ away from their kids. We need a separate identity: friend, wife, etc. Your wife needs to go on dates (with you or not, your choice), she needs to go out with friends, etc. If the only identity your wife has is ‘mommy’- good luck. And, don’t just encourage her to do it, actually make it easy. Tell her you don’t mind staying home this weekend, arrange a baby sitter, plan the date, or take your kids to your parents house every Tuesday. She doesn’t need to add “plan a date night” to her to-do list. And, for the love of god, don’t act clueless when she is gone! She should NOT have to worry about you and the kids; you can handle it.
5. She’d rather…. read a book, take a bath, and watch the Biggest Loser. Ouch! I know, it’s hard to hear. Sometimes we really would rather watch NCIS. But, we might want to watch TV because we are tired (see #1). Or….maybe it’s because it’s not very exciting lately. Ouch again! But, let me ask you a question gentlemen: why do YOU think 50 Shades of Grey was so popular? It sure as shit wasn’t the writing! We would all like a little more passion, a little more excitement, and a little more….weirdness. You know what I mean- lady in the street but a freak in the bed. Sweet, romantic love is only gonna get your sex life so far. Ask her what she wants (give her wine first). Tell her what you want (drink whiskey first). Read a bood about how to please her. I promise you that if it is better, you’ll have it more often.
There, now you know our secrets men. Use this information for good.
Ladies: give your man a shot. Men are much more affectionate and helpful around the house when they are having regular sex. It’s like training a puppy. Positive reinforcement for good behavior!