First of all, I apologize for being away so long. I have not had stupid internet service for almost a week. I didn’t think I was going to make it, but we survived and I’m back.
With a new year upon us, we are all looking to improve ourselves. People all around you want to lose weight, exercise, quit smoking, be nicer to their parents, etc. Here is my contribution to your resolutions. These are diets designed specifically by yours truly to help you take off those extra pounds. I have developed a couple of different options so you can pick the one that suits you best.
1. The Eat At Home Diet: This one is so simple, the only thing you have to do is prepare every meal at home. Breakfast, you make at home before you leave! Lunch, you make at home and bring to work. Dinner, you prepare and eat at home. Simple as pie. (but no pie allowed) The catch is, making dinner at home does not mean you can make a frozen pizza. Nothing out of a box or plastic wrapping. You will save yourself hundreds of calories, grams of sugar, and mg. of sodium. Not only will you lose weight, you will be infinitely healthier.
2. The Facebook Diet: Imagine if you had to admit to the world everything that went in your mouth for the day. (well….almost everything, wink wink) If you had to admit that you need 5 sugars in your coffee, or if you had to tell everyone about the entire bag of doritos you ate in shame while watching the Biggest Loser, you would probably eat less. You would certainly think twice about that pint of Ben and Jerry’s you ate on Saturday night while watching Harry Met Sally for the 93rd time. Before something goes in your mouth, simply ask yourself, “would I want to post this for the world to see?”
3. The Nothing Changes Diet: When I say nothing changes, I am referring to your diet specifically. You’ve heard that doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is insanity. Well, it’s true. But, if you are determined to keep eating the foods you eat, you will need to work out 8x more than you did last year. Can’t give up the junk? Fine. Just get an amazing workout in everyday. You’ll never look like Jessica Biel without a healthy diet, but you will lose weight.
4. The Whiskey and No Dessert Diet: This diet was developed for those of you who eat out or go out all the time. It is hard to make the right choices while out and the calories can add up fast. From now on, when you are out, drink whiskey on the rocks and never order dessert. I know, whiskey?! But, do you know how fast margaritas, chocolate martinis, rum and cokes, etc add up? Really fast. If you dine out a lot, or party too much, you need to make changes. And dessert sucks any way. You don’t need it. No nutrition, all calories.
5. The Common Sense Diet: This might be the easiest of all. I have stolen these ideas from Jillian Michaels and Michael Pollan, but pretty much on this diet you eat FOOD. Actual food. Nothing created in a lab. Nothing with chemicals. Tell yourself, “If it doesn’t come out of the ground and it doesn’t have a mother, I am not eating it.” Cheetos and diet Coke don’t come from the ground, therefore they don’t go in your mouth. Don’t fool yourself either. You’ll think of breakfast cereal and say, well wheat and flour and …. come from the ground…False! Cheerios don’t grow out of the ground. They have to do a lot of work to turn those ingredients into cheerios. Also think ‘if there are more than 5 ingredients they are off limits’ and ‘if your great grandmother wouldn’t recognize it’ walk past it. “Eat food, mostly plants, not too much” (Get Food Rules by Michael Pollan and Mastering Your Metabolism by Jillian Michaels)
6. That Skinny Girl From Work Diet: We all have that one co-worker who is crazy fit and thin. You know who you are (Lisa). They can be a big inspiration for your diet. Before you eat anything, ask yourself “would that skinny b*tch from work eat this?” I say b*tch with love and jealousy, not with anger. I can tell you right now, she would not eat 7 pieces of pizza, or eat that candy bar, or drink that 20 oz mountain dew. That skinny girl at work has worked way too hard on her health to blow it over something as yucky as a mountain dew.
So there it is. Guaranteed to work or your money back!
What are your resolutions? What is your plan of action for 2013? Like ‘Candysbrain blog’ on Facebook to get more 2013 inspiration throughout the year.